“Do-over”s and the idea of a clean slate [Curiosities #111]

This is a 2002 strip from a comic called "Strivers," I believe ... sorta sums up what I'm talkin' about nicely.

I use this space, almost exclusively, to write about my beyond-geeky music habit, but today — and perhaps more often as the New Year progresses — I’m going to be dipping my beak into a different pond. Today, oh patient reader, I’m going to talk about the idea of the “do-over.”

I’ve noticed a lot of “do-over”s in the world of news and sports lately. Most prominently, a few governors have decided to exercise “do-over” power. In the first case, Florida’s governor (I won’t name him because I’d have to Google him and that would interrupt my flow, though I guess this parenthetical pause already has; whatevs) decided a few weeks ago to posthumously pardon Jim Morrison for his famous “Did he?”/”Didn’t he?” penis-flaunting exercise on a Sunshine State stage back in the late ’60s.

In the second case of a “do-over” that’s caught my eye, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is mulling a controversial pardon himself, in this case of the Old West’s favorite outlaw, Billy the Kid. Richardson, playing the whole process up like a true PR pro, has said, to paraphrase, maybe I’ll pardon him, maybe I won’t.

His soon-to-be successor, perhaps possessing at least a modicum of class, has gone on the record as stating she won’t be delving into the pointless issue anytime soon. GOOD FOR HER! But back to Richardson — what balls, no? Is this not an obvious publicity grab from a guy who is obviously bored to tears with his life?

Anyway, these two obvious examples of “do-over”s are just the tip of a large, lumbering iceberg. There are “do-over”s everywhere you look these days.

Referees in the National Football League and the National Basketball Association, for instance, can now pull off a “do-over” EVERY … SINGLE … TIME they make a call. All they have to do is call a quick ref’s timeout, view the play they just BLEW on a video monitor, then decide that, “WHOOPS, we made the wrong call but we’re MAKING IT RIGHT, thanks to this new technology that causes NFL/NBA games to stretch on for decades.” Awesome.

Another do-over (I’m going to stop using quotes, as now that I’ve written about this topic it’ll soon be integrated into common-use status, at which time I’ll be responsible for yet another trend everyone LOVes), one that would actually make a ton of sense, involves a Colorado lawmaker, Sen. Suzanne Williams, who has pushed — hard — for new seatbelt laws that require adults to make sure their kids buckle up.

Not a bad idea for a law, but Williams was just in a car crash and GUESS WHAT? Her children and grandchildren sitting in the backseat WEREN’T BUCKLED UP. She was. Huh? Oh, another thing: The reason I even know about the unbuckled seatbelts is because Williams crashed into a vehicle being driven by a 30-year-old pregnant woman on Sunday. The pregnant woman died and the baby, delivered prematurely after the accident, is in critical condition.

I bring up this whole sad affair because Williams should be asking for a whole HOST of do-overs. For one, if she had to do it again I’m sure she would have put seatbelts on her children/grandchildren in order to FOLLOW HER OWN LAW. Secondly, I think she would have paid closer attention to the road if she had the chance to hit “rewind.” Thirdly — and I’m just spitballin’ here — I’m guessing she would perhaps be a little more understanding in passing her own seatbelt law, in retrospect, since she obviously has had trouble abiding by it.

But I’m not here to judge Williams, I swear; she’s going to see that pregnant lady’s face in her dreams for the rest of her life and that’s punishment enough.

The reason I bring up all these “whoops, I EFFED up again” do-overs is because, as I find myself telling my wife almost daily, it’s always better to get it Right the first time around. It’s like the old saying, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” It took me awhile to understand this axiom, but in order to win the woman of my dreams I had to learn it, and learn it well. It dictates that, if one is in Love, one should never do anything harsh enough to the recipient of one’s love that it would require a “sorry.”

In other words, “sorry” shouldn’t even be in a smitten-person’s vocabulary. Get it? Got it? Good.

My point is, as I watch all these politicians, referees and bankers pull off do-overs most of us could only dream of (yes, the Bailout was a do-over), I wonder how all of these folks got to where they are if they didn’t have the foresight to prepare for Life adequately. Why didn’t law-enforcement officials pardon Morrison and William the Kid while they were alive if they deserved it? Why don’t referees just get the call right the first time? Why didn’t Sen. Williams snap those goddamn seatbelts into place in consideration of laws she worked so hard to push on the public? How did the bankers/Wall Street goons NOT see the meltdown coming (actually many of them likely did, and profited from it); if they didn’t, how did they come to be in charge of large financial institutions?

It boggles the mind to see these mistakes being made, then covered up, but I think all of us could use a do-over or two in our lives.

Go ahead, think about it; yeah, that’s right, you’re pondering a few tasty do-overs right now, aren’t you? I know I am. Hell, I’ve committed more do-overs-to-be than anyone I know. Allow me to share a few of them with you:

• The time I let my girlfriend-at-the-time Jen fall to the ground when I was supposed to be holding her up as a gag? DO-OVER, baby.
• The time I called my brother a “C-word” in an Albany, N.Y., Dunkin’ Donuts? DO-OVER, mo-fo.
• The time I kicked Darren Doan in the butt in front of a HUGE group of laughing people at Evergreen Junior High in 9th grade? DO-OVER, Bro Piscopo.
• The time I accidentally set my skis down in a lodge cafeteria and watched in horror as they slid from their resting place and THWACKED a guy in the back of the head … as he was enjoying a cup of scalding-hot cocoa … with his son? DO-OVER-TIMES-TEN, brother.
• The time I …

Well, you get the idea. As we head into the new year, let us all be a little more forgiving of those who we perceive as screwing up. It’s easy to be judgemental when you’re a passer-by, but take it from me, when you’re in the thick of a controversy it’s no fun to eat 10-ton vats of crap for one faulty decision.

And THAT’s my piece! I’m outta dodge, sucka …