Meh, I couldn't really find anything that funny ... this'll have to do.
I was getting changed in the … changing room (for changing!) at my gym today — that’s right, MY gym — and (by the way, is it just me or is changing at the gym the worst part of the day? There must be a way out of this) I noticed The Longest Yard, the remake of the Burt Reynolds movie starring Adam Sandler, playing on one of the TVs inside.
I haven’t seen this new version, but I did catch the one from the ’70s and, well, let’s just say the years haven’t been kind to that picture.
One thing I do know is that the remake got the worst reviews I’ve seen for a Sandler flick, save maybe Little Nickie (people really took out some frustrations on that one), and from watching even a few minutes of it while toweling off I knew it wouldn’t be worth any effort. It sucks.
Strangely though, I yearn to have that sort of movie at my disposal. We’ve made a family decision to ween ourselves off cable and it’s killing me, softly; I want to be able to choose to watch movies I know will not be good. In fact I just watched one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, Selena, and it was a great experience for that EXACT reason. Every time the camera zoomed in on that precious little face, exposing the desirous twinkle in her eye, I felt closer to the person watching it with me.
Sadly, I really don’t have time to waste. I haven’t finished so many of-quality movies it’s criminal. Brazil. Dr. Strangelove. Yentl. (Well, the first two.)
Why does my brain insist on fattening itself up on empty calories? Why do I rent The Stoned Age every few years? Why do I own a copy of Shanghai Knights?
It’s enough to give a man the jitters. I’ve been rife with thoughts of brainwash stemming from being raised in the ’80s — it might sound stupid but most of us had no idea everything we loved came from a commercial — and I’m starting to realize I might be beyond hope. I read the New York Times every day, so I’ve got that going for me, I guess, but beyond that and a few other publications here and there I’m totally overloaded with music to listen to, crappy movies to watch and, often, though Dinner With Schmucks was my first walk-out and I regret nothing, I crave to have even MORE time-wasting options such as the one mentioned above.
This is disturbing. The ’80s were toxic, sure, but they were downright innocent compared to these times of the lip-twitch and contact avoidance. There are so many distractions available I almost want to delve into them because they’re there (rather than because I have reason to do so). I’m also a football junkie so my exposure to “WHISTLE-SLAP-JUMP-OFF-A-CLIFF-AHHHHHHH” culture is higher than I’d like.
Which brings me back to cable — if I had cable, and by extension Tivo, I could just skip through the CRAP. Chop-chop here, clip-clip there and you’ve got a steak with 80 percent less gristle.
Problem is, there are just too many Longest Yards out there to suck up my time like a lobster-sized leech. So I guess I have to, hesitantly, pass.
