Too Big to Fail, Too Small Not to EFF Me in the A: Bank of America (vs. US Bank) [Curiosities #42/G-Rant #13]

 

 

 

 

The den of iniquity that is Bank of America.

 

UPDATE: THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD OF: As I was finishing the varnish on this blog post, Bank of America ANNOUNCED IT WILL NO LONGER BE CHARGING FEES for overdrafts. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I’m fucking serious here, I just got done with this article and heard the news … perhaps my 2-hour lecture last Saturday actually made a difference? I really did sock it to poor “Colleen,” who was really just doing her job. Fucking serendipity man; WHERE’S MY $140 THEN, FUCKERS????

I don’t use this column to bitch unless I feel like I have a really, REALLY FUCKING-GOOD reason to do so. Bank of America, via their unmitigated GALL, have forced me to speak out on their crusty, AWFUL customer service.

I’m going to start at the beginning. In 2007, my wife, daughter and I spent roughly $4,000 moving from Washington state to Glens Falls, N.Y. The trip was arduous to say the least. I remember, at a certain point, pulling over, taking 3-month-old Penny out of her baby seat, and apologizing to her for taking her on such a long trip.

Yep, that’s how crazy we got over the course of the 3,000-mile trip; we were talking to a 3-month-old. (At this point I could start bitching about how The Post-Star newspaper is an organization from HELL and Editor KT doesn’t care about his employees as anything more but money-making cattle, but that’s another column/post/rant.)

When we finally did get to Glens Falls we were just about out of money. Also, our bank in Washington, US Bank, didn’t have any branches in New York so we had to start a new bank account. We chose Bank of America simply because it sounded authoritarian; surely a bank with that name would never fail us.

There were a few forgivable foibles associated with Bank of America. For one thing, the tellers at our Branch in Glens Falls were insanely rude once you started an account. What I mean by this is, they would hit you with incredibly fluttery, sunshine-y cheerfulness bolstered by lollipop smiles … that is, until you started an account.

Once you were in their hands, they treated you like goddamn hell. I’m serious. They looked at me like they thought I was scum the minute I opened up an account. That is, once I opened the account.

But stern, disapproving looks aren’t my point here. My point is that Bank of America, among banks in our country, is easily the biggest shyster in the banking business.

For example, immediately after we started our account I attempted to deposit my first — meager — check from The Post-Star, I noticed my account was slowly emptying out, without the paycheck’s funds to bolster it. Two weeks went by. Finally I went into the branch and inquired. In between more disapproving glances, my teller told me my check was being “held” to verify the funds.

That’s right. They were verifying that The Post-Star, the company which wrote my paycheck and had been in the area for more than 100 years, had enough funds to pay my check. So I sat tight, that is, until my account became overdrawn, still without the paycheck having dropped into the account.

That was it. I stormed into Bank of America and demanded to see a manager. The manager, in typical fashion, showed me how easy it is to get things done if you actually care; he had the funds from the check deposited into my account INSTANTLY. At that point I realized the tellers at Bank of America were/are, literally, fucking retarded.

Then came the fees. We were charged three or four egregious fees for our account being overdrawn. Since it wasn’t our fault, we went into the branch to complain. My wife went first. She approached the desk of one of the sit-down tellers and explained the situation. The lady at the desk, showing absolutely no emotion/compassion/blood in her veins, said, “Oh … sorry, we can’t do that.”

At this point I exploded, walking over to the desk. Immediately I told her that, yes, “You are going to erase at least two of these fines. We deposited our check two weeks ago and don’t deserve to pay you extra money. You are going to take at least two of these fines off or, [I'm quoting Bukowski right here], well, I’m not sure what I’ll do.”

Well wouldn’t you know it? Turns out the teller had the power to delete the fees all along. Now that she saw I was ready to rip her head clean from her body, she was suddenly willing to take two of the fees off, saving us $70. What a fucking cunt. What a fucking shenanigans-infested hell-hole of a bank we signed up for …

From there things were OK. No more fines, no more angry discussions. The tellers still looked at us like shiites in the land of Kurds, but that was fine as long as they didn’t expect us to pay them hundreds of dollars for their mistakes.

For 3 years, in fact, we’ve banked with Bank of America and had no problems. We, like all Americans, participated in the bail-out and, though we thought it was COMPLETELY pathetic, we didn’t hold a grudge against the company.

That changed last week. Due to a few accounting errors, our account became overdrawn by a few dollars. I figured, hey, we’d get a fine of $35 or so and that would be the end of it. FOUR fines and $140 later, I realized Bank of America wasn’t out to be my bank, but my BLOODSUCKER. They wanted everything, even money I technically didn’t have at the moment!

This after my tax money went to bail those cocksuckers out (please forgive the use of “cocksucker”; I use it in the colloquial sense, to denote someone whom has wronged me) just a few months before. 

Realizing that every bank I’ve ever banked with has forgiven at least a few fees in the past, I called Bank of America’s customer service line. There, I was assured that Bank of America NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER-NEVER-NEVER-EVER forgives bank fees. Ever.

Even if you’re overdrawn $400 and being charged $140 a day, they won’t eliminate a single fee. Ever. Considering that US Bank worked with me on about $200 in fees in 2009 alone, I was SHOCKED at Bank of America’s policy, especially considering what happened in Glens Falls (i.e., they erased two fees, which they supposedly don’t do).

Pleading my case, I talked to a customer service rep named “Colleen” for 2 hours. I told her our situation, I told her about US Bank, hell, I told her about the bail-out and how Bank of America owes Americans some understanding. 

Do you know what she suggested? That I go to Red Cross and ask for help. FUCKING RED CROSS!!!! I didn’t know whether to laugh or rip the phone out of its socket, drive to the Bank of America customer-service center and cram it so deep down her non-customer-servicing ass she’d need the Jaws of Life to get it out.

So, as it stands, I paid Bank of America $140 last week. None of it will be refunded. I’m still shocked by this because my family really can’t afford this right now, but what makes it worse is the knowledge that:

• For one, Bank of America DOES omit fees; they did it in Glens Falls, when I was angry enough to burn the place down …
• Secondly, as I mentioned above, REAL banks, like US Bank, forgive fees all the time. I mean, when your company makes billions in profit every year it kind of makes sense …
• Thirdly, BANK OF AMERICA WAS BEGGING ALL OF US FOR MONEY JUST A YEAR AGO, and now they’re telling ME to go to Red Cross because I don’t think paying them $140 out of my pocket is fair; WHERE’S MY BAILOUT YOU BANK NAZIS?
• Finally, they are not a feasible company; they took all they could from the American public, then went back to awarding their CEOs lavish bonuses and ripping us all off; FUCK them …

Ok, well, that’s my story. When going over the contents of this post-to-be in my head I thought about which part of this would piss people off the most. Would it be the part about The Post-Star taking advantage of my eagerness to work and leaving us out in the cold after our 3,000-mile exodus to the East Coast?

Would it be the part where the teller refuses to refund the fees to my wife, then relents when “good old, crazy Grant” gets involved? Would it be the part where the bank manager instantly deposits the paycheck BoA held into my account, as could have been done all along? Would it be the part where some insulant bitch — who is probably stationed in India — tells me that, if I need help I should go to the Red Cross?

I really don’t know. All I can say is, if you have an account at Bank of America, close it. EVERY SINGLE bank other than Bank of America will do a better job with your money, and I can say from personal experience that other institutions, even big ones like US Bank (who I’m sure have their bad side too), will do a better job for you than Bank of America.

Why? Because Bank of America is a festering, rotten, bloodless institution that, rather than being Too Big To Fail, is too Big and Heartless To Continue Operations. Close your account, trust me; the next time you get one of those outrageous fees (or three) you’ll know that you at least have a CHANCE to get a little understanding from the teller on the other end of the line.

If you stay with Bank of America? Well, get ready to continue the bail-out, on a smaller scale (and hey, if you have the money to do that kind of thing, well, yr call); Bank of America will take more than you already have.